Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.