Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Cool shirt 🙂
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs