Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.