Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you are two wolves

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke