Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.