Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

drew a comic about my origin story

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Clients after you give them your rates

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.