Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

so this horse walks into a bar

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no