Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*skinny dips into black hole
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Accurate
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
