Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
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“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.