Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
This is not me but this is me
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.