[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Jogging
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Only a mother’s love …
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.