*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real zombies.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.