Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
i did the math
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.