Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
relationship goals
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.