Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
She might be a genius
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am