been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
make up your mind
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
