been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
You learn something every day
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Pringles
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
