Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Dammit Chief not again

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.