Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Why? Just why? 😂
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
lol
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.