Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats