Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
President The Rock Obama
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.