Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree