Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

🙂🐾

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”