Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
It’s an epidemic…
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp