Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

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Have kids if you want to be shouted at for telling them breakfast is ready


Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.


Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.


when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.


Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4


Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.


my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this


If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.


Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*