Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

next question.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

The booster protects against what, now?

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.