Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”