Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The photographer’s assistant
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.