Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I hate everything
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.