Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
