Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
