Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.