Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

in the ocean

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS