Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]