Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*