Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Just me?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’m not wrong
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.