Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*