Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Discuss
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Grandpa
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.