Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
This might be me.
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Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned