Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime