Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!