Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’