Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

Saturday

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.