been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.