Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
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excuse me
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.