Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Sooo many times…..

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.