Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale
BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this