@delusions_of

Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.

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@Shenaniglenns

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

@mjkspeaks

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

@fro_vo

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

@NotLikeFreddy

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale

BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@DaddyJew

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

@noog

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

@Gupton68

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this