Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Monday Lisa
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.