Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

This did not end as expected.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same