Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Planet of the Apps.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.