@theDapperilla

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

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@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@roxiqt

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

@thatdutchperson

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@3sunzzz

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”