Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.