Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
