Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
mmm onion ringos
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*