Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

o shit

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.