Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans