Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.