Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.