Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.