Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

he looks great for his age

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake