Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
went fishing caught a bass
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China