Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Wait a second…

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.