Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*limbos away from your hug*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.