Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My background check bounced.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Cool shirt 🙂
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.