Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

😂😂

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.