I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
And bowling should be called pinball
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Today’s Times
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?