Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now