Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

A leaf blower, but for people.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.