Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Terribly Tuesday.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.