Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!