Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

What about a To-Don’t List?

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

good let them take over I have had enough

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.