Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

“What?”
– Jude

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Love it! 👍😂

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Oh hi lol

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl