Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one