Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

crying

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired